Showing Up and Filling Your Cup
Service Over Self and One Profits Most Who Serves Best. The two Rotary mottoes. To me, these mottoes speak of the enormous value of volunteerism, to the community and to oneself.
Another saying that resonates with me is, “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” Have you ever felt burnt out or depleted and can’t bear the thought of giving more of yourself? That is what it means to have an empty cup.
I’ve had chronic depression for as long as I can remember. When life gets hard, my cup feels very empty. During these times, I have the urge to self-isolate, cocoon into my blankets, and disappear.
Preventing an empty cup takes self-care.
When you think of self-care, what comes to mind? If it’s bubble baths, candles, and soft music you’re not alone. That could be a form of self-care. But also is taking a deep breath, taking a shower, eating nutritious food, and going for a walk.
When in the throes of a deep depression, there are days when the basics feel hard. Here are some things that have helped me over the years in maneuvering through a life of service while living with depression.
Forgiveness
Some may consider forgiveness as an act to benefit the person who has made the transgression. I look at forgiveness as self-care. For me, it is a way to let go of anger, pain, and sadness. This doesn’t mean I forgive and forget though. It means I reflect on lessons learned, let go of the negative thoughts and feelings around the situation, and move on with life knowing I have gained knowledge and practiced resilience.
In my practice of forgiveness, I try to give people grace. They were doing the best they could with the tools they had at the time.
Forgiveness got me through my marriage breaking down, losing my home, and losing financial security. I understood that my partner was dealing with his own issues in a way that hurt me deeply. Through that experience I learned that I am ok alone. In my past, I always felt I needed a partner in life. Finding out I was ok alone freed me to be discerning in my relationships. If it wasn’t going to work out, I didn’t feel the need to stay just to avoid being alone.
Recognizing I’m Human
This is related to forgiveness. All humans make mistakes and sometimes life is messy. At times I have to remind myself it’s ok to mess up. Similar to giving others grace, I try to give myself grace. Some days doing my best looks different and that is ok.
Ask for Help
When I’m in a deep depression, I often feel guilty for not performing the same as when I’m mentally well. In times like this, my thoughts wander to all the things I’m not doing well. At the same time, I feel unable to do anything about it. This is when I need to ask for help.
Asking for help can be hard. Admitting you’re struggling can be a big hurdle for some people. I have found it easier to ask for simple, concrete things. On a particularly difficult day, I told my partner, “I need you to decide what’s for dinner tonight.” It was wonderfully freeing to not have that weight on my shoulders. Other times, I find my best friend and ask to vent. Letting her know ahead of time I don’t need her to problem-solve, puts her in the frame of mind to listen and support.
At times, I recognize I need help beyond what friends and family are able to give. I have found the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) extremely helpful. Many employers offer EAP as a benefit and it is often underutilized. EAP providers can often help folks through tough situations in just a few sessions.
Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Community
Connection is important in caring for yourself. One element of Rotary that has been very important to me is connecting with others in service to the community. Volunteering time in service of others always gives me a little dopamine boost. Plus, I leave my troubles and worries behind to concentrate on others. It’s a welcome reprieve; and often when I return to my troubles, they don’t seem as big.
When I first read the Rotary mottoes, “Service Over Self” and “One Profits Most Who Serves Best,” I thought them diametrically opposed. How can one be giving oneself altruistically yet be profiting at the same time? The more I reflect on these mottoes, the more I see them as complementary. I see them as filling your cup through meaningful connection and service. We just need to show up, for others, for ourselves.
